Your kids have changed and grown up. This means your parenting style must change, too. Your children may not rely on you for food, housing and transportation anymore, but that doesn’t mean your job is done. The emotional support, guidance and love you provide to your adult child can be just as significant.
The dynamic between a parent and their adult child will be different from the dynamic you once had, but with a little practice, you can build a healthy and normal parent-adult-child relationship.
Treat Each Other Like Adults
Accepting that your child is grown up can be a hard pill to swallow. Your child will always be your baby, but they deserve to be treated with the same respect as any other adult. It’s easy for both parents and their adult children to revert back to old roles and patterns of communication when interacting, so it will take a conscious effort to break out of this cycle. To do this, you’ll need to focus on setting boundaries.
Set Boundaries
When children grow into independent adults, it’s natural for them to want to redefine boundaries with their parents. Adult children may not share all the same information that they once did or be as available to talk or visit. It’s important to respect your kids’ autonomy and give them the space they need to become their own person. This includes calling before you come over, not pestering them about marriage or kids and accepting feedback about your relationship with them.
Respecting boundaries goes both ways. Your kids need to respect the boundaries you set, too, especially when it comes to things like financial support.
Schedule Quality Time
Once your kids no longer live in your home, it takes more work and planning to spend time together. Sharing meals and doing activities with your adult children is an essential part of maintaining the relationship, and it will require effort from both of you to make that happen. Carve out time for activities you both like or trade off choosing an activity. Cooking together, going on a walk and attending a sporting event are all good places to start.
Know When To Speak Up and When To Listen
It’s natural to want to jump in and solve problems for your children when you see them struggling, but sometimes your role is simply to listen. When you disagree with choices your kids are making, evaluate how serious the issue is first. You may not like their significant other, but unless the situation is life-threatening, it may be best to keep your opinion to yourself. Your kids need a chance to make their own choices and learn from their mistakes. Once they’re grown, it’s no longer your job to resolve their issues.
Unsolicited advice can also sabotage the conversation between you and your adult child, as well-meaning as you might be. Sometimes they’re simply looking for empathy or reassurance rather than looking to you for a solution. Act as a sounding board to help them come to their own conclusions.
Respect Differences
Just because you’re family doesn’t mean you’ll share the same personality, style of conflict or beliefs. Be aware of the differences between you and your adult child and how they could contribute to or escalate a conflict. Similarly, if you have multiple children, the way you interact with one may not work with another. Instead of letting these differences frustrate you and create distance in the relationship, try to celebrate your differences.
Have Honest Discussions About Hard Topics
Don’t be afraid to have an open dialogue with your kids. The longer you delay having a serious conversation, whether that’s about finances, illness or something else, the more problems it will create.
One of the more difficult topics to broach is end-of-life preferences, such as what kind of burial you’d prefer, in what situations you’d want to be kept alive artificially and what types of treatments are off limits. Your finances will also play a role in the type of end-of-life care you receive. Having an active life insurance policy can help prevent these expenses from falling on your children and other loved ones. Learn more about your life insurance options on our FAQ page or get a free quote if you’re ready to get started.